Picture this:
You’re at an event and you notice someone (you don’t know) wearing their t-shirt reverse. The front is clearly meant to be the back.
What do you do?
Do you assume they already know and choose to say nothing?
Do you tell them, giving them the chance to fix it?
Do you assume their friends must have already pointed it out?
Now, picture this:
At the workplace, you overhear a senior colleague using foul, demeaning language toward their subordinate.
Do you assume the subordinate is aware of the organization’s policies and will raise it themselves, so you stay silent?
Do you step in and tell the colleague their language is unacceptable and show them the policy?
Or do you expect the subordinate to speak up—because, after all, the comment was directed at them?
Bystander. Bystander.
In both cases, you’re a bystander—but the impact of your action/inaction is vastly different.
In the first scenario, the person with the reversed t-shirt isn’t hurting anyone. As a bystander choosing not to speak up might not have real consequences.
But in the second situation, staying silent as a bystander allows unacceptable behaviour to go unchallenged. Foul language and derogatory remarks affect not just self-esteem, but could also lead to serious mental and emotional consequences for the person targeted. At an organisation level it could lead to toxic work environment
So why do we still choose silence when it really matters?
A bystander may not speak up due to several reasons:
- The perpetrator holds a higher position, and the workplace doesn’t have a culture where you as a bystander can speak up.
- You assume it was a one-off incident and so choose to stay away from any kind of conflict that could arise
- You think the person targeted does not have a problem with it, i.e. the person is aware of their rights and is fine with this kind of language
- You freeze and don’t know what to say. This too is a possibility.
Research indicates that when you’re the only person witnessing (only bystander) something worthy of intervention, you’re more likely to intervene. But if others are around, there’s a tendency to assume someone else will speak up. And often, no one does—including you.
Workplace discrimination or harassment isn’t always obvious.
It may show up as microaggressions, jokes targeting a community, religion, gender, state of origin, English Language proficiency, socio-economic background, caste or even comments masked as “harmless flirting” or “just banter.”
So, what can a bystander do?
People from underrepresented groups or those lower in the hierarchy may not always feel safe or empowered to speak up. They may be afraid of backlash or simply tired of constantly explaining what’s not okay.
Your voice can make a difference. You as a bystander can make a difference.
Three Ways to Respond as a Bystander
1. Call Out (In the moment):
As a bystander, if you feel safe and comfortable, address the behavior directly. Some phrases you can use:
- “Help me understand—how was that funny?”
- “That comment goes against our company policy.”
- “I’m not okay with this conversation. If it continues, I’ll leave.”
- “It seems like a stereotype. Can we talk about that?”
- “Have you considered how that might impact someone listening?”
2. Call In (Later, in private):
If the situation isn’t urgent or emotionally charged, take time to reflect and engage later. As a bystander, you might tell/ask the perpetrator:
- “I’m curious—what was your intent behind that comment?”
- “How do you think your words landed with others?”
- “What made you feel that was appropriate to say?”
- “Have you thought about how it might be perceived?”
3. Report:
If the behaviour violates policy or causes serious harm, escalate it to HR, the management or the appropriate authority.
Remember
As a bystander, you’re in a more neutral emotional space. The person targeted may be overwhelmed or unsure of how to act—and your support can make all the difference.
There’s more to Allyship in action
It’s not always you might want to speak with the person who is perpetuating the behaviour. There would be instances where you may choose to speak with the person who is experiencing it. In this case you are also reaffirming your role as a strong ally.
Check in with the impacted person how they are feeling and if they would like your support in addressing the issue. You could say
- Hey are you fine? What happened in the cafeteria today is not OK. Let me know if you would want me to accompany you to report.
- Tell me what I do for you to be comfortable
And in case you’re sure you could say
- “Did I hear it right? I didn’t quite understand what was going on. Would you like to talk about it?”
- “How are you feeling”
A final word
=Being a bystander comes with a choice.
Your silence could reinforce harmful behavior.
Your voice could stop it.
The question to ask yourself—what will you choose to do take action or stay silent?
To foster a culture of allyship in your organisation, contact us at connect@Ananyawomenatwork.com
